Big feelings today.

Feeling lost in the muchness of this time.

The patterns of me have followed me across the bloody world.
watching in horror. feeling self condemnation.

I notice I am LOSING empathy, and nurturing spaces. WTF!
(and meeting new people...yet feeling the same values of communication, consistency, showing upness) 

It felt so sweet to be held here in that way, and then I made a choice...and it triggered something in the other. BAMM.  change. Life stresses...not available.

*I am reaching out to my Global village*

the gift of teaching other's their fucking boundaries...oh how glorious.

"I get to learn how to say No, as you are teaching me about that..(Cuddle Party rules and ways of being) helping her learn how to feel safe again..." grrrreeeaat.
"I am not available for nurturing, as I am drained myself." the conscious part of me understands, and yet *little* needs her nurturing.

if self responcible is reaching out for our needs...

Gods, I fear rejection. I fear No. I fear...it will cost you this much(and I have this much for traveling now).

feeling vulnerable in the reaching out, and yet I have no control over what others CHOOSE.

I am vulnerable. I am a feeling being.

I feel...

Lost.
Startled.
Mystified.
Contempt (for self mostly, for these damn patterns)
Turmoil

Flooded.
Drippy.


Unsettled.
UNHAPPY.