conversation

people connect with the labels rather than seeking what is under...seeing the wholenss...holding the unMET one (maiden)...

so people see those identies, and go no further...

What if you tried something new. And not shared triggering things up front. An experiment

giving chance to see the beauty of the whole picture (not get scared away by singular pieces of Life). Whatever the identity piece.

The whole story puts it in a field, vs a singular point.

One of my gifts is pulling the trigger out, yet it tends to be destructive to me. 

conversation with Jacqui. 

thoughts to ponder for sure...

ready for the next evoluation

Honoring the marching orders which is coming through the Divine.

How I will take this feelings space, and knowledge to my Life in the Future?
ahhh....

grateful for the allies and support system I have for this healing Journey.

they say happiness is the fulfillment of a goal. The place of knowing you put yourself into something, and with work, persistence, time that which comes about. The celebration of a brief destination.

I feel satisfied with this Journey. I am grateful for the feelings of completion.

Now...travel...Paris! And a return to San Francisco.

Looking forward to micro brews, hot tubs, redwoods and the next evolution. Feeling excited and renewed in my emotional body. Me.

What's on the radar...
Tri's Ritual.
getting more conscious with Physical Health. check ups. honoring the Body.
Steady Income. care giving/hospice. Death Rites. (live in?)

where is Home? Conscious community...slower pace of Life.
What does the bigger picture look like?

Answers and Questions...sounds like fullness.

Emotions to feel and spaces to speak into.
whee...

I love you Kris, I love all of you...and this too...

thoughts before leaving South Africa...

a beautiful, sweet feeling space before leaving South Africa. Completion thoughts start to be pondered... I came to these shores scattered and disheartened. I came with the desire to be seen and to reconnect parts of myself which have been abandoned.

I feel now, after these months much more solid in my core. I feel the joy and connection of meeting new people, and feeling seen. The sweetness of meeting strangers, and feeling...the "I know you"...resonance.

I feel renewed. Renewed to go home and sort out the next step. The renewal of Faith and Hope of this big Mysterious game we play called Life.
I feel the courage and strength it took to allow myself to come here...to a place across the world. (learning how to give myself some credit)...

I am deeply grateful for those who connected with me the past 2 months. For the new friends and old. Thank you.

Looking forward to diving into this next phase of adventure. Dreaming a life of presence, and expression.
with Love.

Gratitude.

I landed in a beautiful space back in Johannesburg.

So, perhaps endings can lead to better circumstance. Room for trust.

I am feeling satisfied and complete in this South African Journey.

now in the bonus section.

I feel the creativity of the next cycle birthing. What I am called to look to next.

Expanding...from a more solid core.

Good Bye Cape Town...

You are a powerful energy field.

Thank you for sharing your beauty, and inspiration.

I had a lovely breakfast with Rahasya. He made delightful omelets. A tasty treat. A sweet completion to this healing adventure.

There will be more to dig into, yet I feel refreshed now. I feel more capable. I feel an affirmation of my ability to move through this Life.

I feel renewed in my inspiration to succeed in feeling myself. .

this morning I work up purrring...

How amusing...

A lovely exploration of Feminine and Masculine energy upon waking. Enjoying Shima and Simon in reflection of energetic dancing.

so if the Feminine holds the bigger picture, and the Masculine implements action towards (in Service)

hummm....

feeling the connection I had with the Feminine (passionately) in my 20's. Rebelliously. Counter-dependently. so much raw force. I attracted people, yes...and yet I myself was the wild chaos of trauma and *angry* expression in rebellious form.

It crumbles with deeper childhood trauma though...all those places of passion, all the inspiration : deadlocked at some point when it reaches the threshold of  ________________.

I am enjoying the feeling of energetic play with others who feel present.

Thank you.

Attacked by an Owl today

I think it thought my hair was food...

A talon scraping on my scalp...

*beast!*

Medicine Animal...attack...

I was just thinking how interesting it would be if one flew at me...

*but not to eat my head!* silly Owl.

Then it sat on the fence above the door...daring me to go through.

I will admit I was scared, and opted to go the other way.

Maybe I was cursing in owl...*who who whhooo?*

One never knows...it was something to ponder.

a lovely day.

Simon was a treat. I enjoyed the energetic banter we shared. I blushed a number of times, energetically aroused by something or another. Feeling the waves flow through me. Tears came to my eyes, once...when he apologized for something...(something that another man had done?) I felt the Divine Masculine beautifully be present...such a treat.

Simon Tzu

the Gardens were beautiful, and calm.

the Owl who mugged my head was a hoot...(haha)
no damage done. My scalp was a little sensitive on the left side for a little while from its talons, but  I was not harmed. Just a little scared. And amused. I was wondering what it would be like for that to happen...and hey..it did. (not quite in the way I was thinking, but still interesting)

I picked up some great feathers at the World of Birds, and a fab story to tell...


The sunset was delightful.

Great pictures. Good conversation.
and a feeling of satisfaction. Sweet!
in gratitude and apprechiation.

One more week in South Africa...

Today was a tourist day. The hop on, hop off bus (more time for that tomorrow too)...it is challenging not to have a car in these vast Cities. I miss driving.

I can only imagine the amount of money one *could* spend here in Cape Town. My Gods...availability and presence. I am on the lean budget. I will debt for this trip. A little. Nothing too extravagant. I will be a responsible fiscal adult. It is great to have the back up...

One week left, and then a day in Paris. Ahh Paris...(that is going to be spendy too)...La sigh. *grin*
 Life is amusing.

I am going to sleep well on the flight back to SFO.

I was gifted with a beautiful view yesterday. Life offered a Yes! to accommodation for the few days I am in Jozi with a family of a FB connection. Offered and willing. I am grateful for when the Universe shows up, with offers...thank you...

delightful conversations welcome.

I have hope that people will continue to show up...when this happens. It builds my Faith in the Universe. In being, feeling supported.

addressing the past

They miss a key point that this 'turning toward one another' cannot happen if one or both partners have unhealed childhood trauma which is being triggered (it always will be) by the other.

By healing early life wounds the nervous system begins to stabilize and buffer and so there is time for rational responses. The fastest way to heal these wounds is to open them up and wash them out.
Simon Tzu


...

to feel into the emotional body...

I adore Cape Town.

Whee...I feel high here. The energy is lovely.

I love the way the Stone hugs the City.

It feels kind of like Sedona, but different stone and Urban.

I explored by foot today. Long street, and the National Lawn areas.
so much to do! So little time...

I can see how one could spend a lot of money in this town. Keep it real Kris...

I am feeling happy and satisfied. Yay!

I choose NOT to tare into myself.

I could have reacted very deeply. Hurting myself on the view of questioning my ability to hold Vulnerability.

Lance. That is one of the pillars of how I share my gifts with the world, and you do not feel safe within the space I hold for vulnerability? He questioned. Heck if he needs to set his own boundaries, where he feels safe...by all means...do what you need to, to take care of yourself dear.

What does not work for me is the wavering...how will I show up, I don't know...maybe you are not...(tone). That type of communication will kill our relationship. It lands right in my anxious relationship worries, and festers. That will not provide a stable space for our relating.

I will not pick apart my personality for this relationship. No longer.

No.

No more.

If we do not agree on a fundamental place of shared vulnerability, how the fuck are we going to be in relation?

I asked for negotiation to be tabled till I get back to the States. There is too much amazing stuff to be present with here for the next 2 weeks, to be swirled by energetic negotiation that rocks my ability to be strong inside myself.

I have a PRIORITY of South Africa while I am here. Cape Town is next. I could easily spend a few weeks there, and I have 1 week (almost).

I had a great sunrise walk this morning.

I love Wilderness, and the sweet village here. Peaceful. Natural. Quiet. Beautiful.

the Journey continues.

Kris, I am willing to stand up for you. I am here for you. I will NOT destroy you for a relationship outside of you.

exploring Vulnerability...

Watching the opening or invitation to opening again with Lance.

On the other side of this space of time has come ease. I did not have to be present (once felt through) some of these big challenges, so I was stable again. I fear, am scared of that ease changing. It feels so lovely to feel excitement again.

It feels fresh.

I adore when people share the depths of their Hearts, experience. It feels so great to see inside, and hold that part of them.

I am wondering how Betty Martin's wheel of consent works with this facet.

I am not able to translate it directly, as there are more facets...

Masculine, Feminine...

Give, Take...

who is receiving what...who is benefiting on which level...

...

we contain MULTITUDES...

I am worried about consent I guess. Worried that I am not ok. (yes, that...ahh that voice in the head) I know you. Due diligence in this renewal for sure, yet I must allow for others to take care of themselves...really...it is ok.


...

trying to map this relationship in a 2 dimensional field. HAHAHAHA...
silly girl.

Cosmic humor. 

we are multi-faceted...we are...ha.

Erotic dream #2

Hot!

Seva, dinner.

I was out with a girl friend, and we found Seva somewhere along the way.  He and I connected for a kiss, and the energy stirred. Passion erupted. We dove into each other...and then we had to stop for dinner time. I invited him to join us. Before we sat, he instructed me to give him a call and invite him over to my home afterward to have passionate sex.

I was with a girl friend, she was shocked.

Dominance...being told by him to call to consciously invite him to my home afterward to have passionate sex.

He and I had a short conversation about Monique, and why I was put off by the whole thing.
I compare myself to others who they are with, and find myself LACKING.
the terrible self worth trap of my own doubts. 

Erotic ponderings this morning...and Father's day...

Feeling introspective and reserved after an amazing energetic fucking by God this morning...Goddess...taken. In dreams, in the building of my wanting this morning...visualizing cock sliding in my Yoni. Ahh missing the attention, and allowing that sex is for me. The vulnerability of allowing myself to open, to feel, to be connected.

Sex is so much more than the physical act to me...the sweetness and consumation of human experience. The energy it raises and stirs within. Powerful possibilities of moving our stored emotions.

It is nice to be still now.

Yet, feeling deep emotions. The stirring which comes from the longing in my body. Blood pumping through my arteries.

and it goes back to feeling HELD.


Fucking Father. I do not feel emotionally close to you. You were emotionally unavailable when I was child, and I loath the fact that there is no deep feeling of being held by you. An absentee landlord in the landscape of my YOUNG heart.

I longed for you to LOVE ME. I pleaded for you to pay attention to me. To feel worth of your Love.
Yet, I never did. I never felt your emotional HUG of you...

I now am a adult, and I am angry at the hurt which happened as a child. I am angry that I carry this pain around with me, and it touches my relationships with men NOW...

You asshole. (you knew no better from your own damn Father) Emotional scars which are passed down along the Family lines. DAMN IT. When does this hurt end?

still doing the work...one step at a time. I was so grateful for the respite from diving in deep. And here we have Daddy issues...

Anger. Pain. Empty. Space...(do not like)

Frolic!

Boogie boarding (the first time in 20 years! and canoeing...)

It was so lovely to play with the Ocean.

And the canoeing was peaceful. I enjoy the pace, and being with nature.

Hey look a new interest...lovely.

Who says Life is complete.  Still learning and growing.

xox.

Solo traveling challenges...

Minimum person requirements to book tours (to see things, do things).

Missing familiar conversation. Building connections, relationship. Shared interest and topics.

I am feeling the desire to be with others who are familiar. There is a sweetness in that. To know, and to be known. To share our essential selves, deeper and deeper. More and more naked. This is my wish for relationship.

Vulnerability.

Sleep needed...the tired way of the Road.

Hello Princess...

what too much energy in your sleep space?
too much movement of others?
too much light?
too much sound?

ahh...princess...I know. You like what you like...well we are on the road traveling, seeing new sights right now.

You can cultivate your nest when we are home, and back in the "usual" flow. What shall we create in that new view? What shall draw us?

I feel a bit out of my element on this trip. No consciousness geeks in this view (out in the bush), no congregation of energy aware people who are magnetized to each other. hummm...interesting to feel the different space.

We shall see...

the twists and turns of this Journey

Gods that was a long ass day. I am in Africa...I keep saying that over and over to myself. It is all a bit surreal. Villages blur by as the silly, young beings pound beer. Drinking games? I remember those in college (and even then I did not really join in).

I am tired. The unknown, making sure I am on the right path. Toward the places which have been laid out. The Princess is finding parts of herself.

*I really work best, when things are laid out upfront and I know what the view is going to look like. That helps create peace in my being...know this about yourself Love. We do the best we can.

I arrived after dark. The BIG beautiful FULL moon lighting my way. I can hear the Ocean. People are around the fire...

Life is good.

I am here.

xoxo

musings on permsission...Gorge swing

So I followed my calling and did the Oribi Gorge swing. Amazingly scary for a few seconds, and a nice forest view till they pulled me up.

I did it. It took one trial run, and then the pull of the swing was intense. (literately the force of the space and harness)

Moving beyond fear. The brain did funny things, trying to rationalize a irrational experience.

I never would have considered this type of thing in the US. I am not an adrenaline junkie, I am an experience junkie. Yet I find myself doing things with more permission here.

Why is that? How do I have more opening for identity here?

Ironic...thanks Goddess...

Moon cycle starts today...hahahahaha...

that is amusing...

Oh darling you have such amusing timing.

Goddess Bless....

Hello Mercury retrograde.

Plans...

Saturday, today I am in the flow. the plans melted...so more time to be at ease in the packing...that works.

I will be still and get ready for my next Journey *here* in South Africa. The first few days are reserved, and I will do my best to be flexible in this time of change.

Trip preparations. Packing day.

I *think* everything will fit. 

Two bags...that is manageable.

Three weeks on the road. This is going to be an adventure.

pondering symbiosis

Symbiosis: 

biology : the relationship between two different kinds of living things that live together and depend on each other

: a relationship between two people or groups that work with and depend on each other

Symbiotic relationship: empowered symbiosis?

might be last Rahasya session

A session of brains, minds, energy and talk. As my body is out of balance at the moment.

He spoke much of *speed* the speed of consciousness and how we navigate at these speeds.
(you are gaining momentum...and moving through at high speeds...he says)
 
speed and the ripples, vibrations, waves...it makes...(as a part of its nature)

Consciousness levels...

the weight of emotional holding, and using that as fuel for acceleration. (Heart meditation to ingest the e-motion...?)

seeing both sides of the stirring of other people's lives, when we interact and perhaps they are ignited to change some aspect of THEMSELVES (when I am in romantic desire of them)? (but isn't it all about me??) What if this is the archetype of the Dakini doing her thing anyways...?

things that make you go...hummm....

I do think parts of his understanding are skewed, but it is nice to have someone who is on their path beyond my consciousness level and "speed" to create synergy with. 

Satori: that God space...felt with Kundilini awakening...I happened to experience it via sexuality. And chased it in that space since...(a physiological response from physical exertion and stillness(?)

Eros: moving toward in Life...beyond sexuality...Eroticism is the sexual movement.

Why so much Fear from Abroad?

I received a email response from Marianne this morning. More warnings about travel here in South Africa.

Yes, I will be out more soon...yet, I have not felt the need for the dire warnings which have come this way. She was here many years ago, and I wonder if that time felt different than this *now*?

Eyes and heart open, discernment and mindfullness.

I am held in the waves of the International Travel route. On buses and in backpackers, on tours will Cape Town. Then only a few days of open travel around Cape Town. May I be held safely. As I have been thus far.

Grateful for the seeing of sights and wisdom which comes from being out in the South African realm.

More adventures soon. Goddess of Travel hold this wandering Spirit. I am here to feel you. Thank you.

a lovely morning of music, and song. Being moved by the beats of Africa. it feels sweet within.

session skills and talents shared.

The many tools offered during session space...

One never knows what the session will call for. How to evoke the movement which will produce energetic response.

Following the energy, and playing...

whee...

Body wisdom...

Well I am taking it easy for awhile.

My G.I tract and Yoni are out of balance.

Absorption, digestion....too much sugar I think..and foreign invaders from other bio-systems (Yoni). I wondered if that would happen.

So...I was going to pick Rayhasya's brain, and energy body...however he too was not feeling well. Low energy, and something he ate. Well, not today. I have faith we shall connect before we leave for our trips.

I am ok with being mellow right now. I honor the wisdom of the body.

A time of transition.

I had a very full week last week, and I am in the process of getting ready for a Tour of the South Coast! New vistas await.

I have been hedonisticly enjoying Masters of Sex, and being still.

I have spent more money then I wanted to this week. Damn.

Getting Real. Acknowledging shame, rejection, and grief/anger

Naming my shame. Naming the rejection that I feel inside. Naming the places that I lose/abandon myself. Namaste. (getting real)
...

This is my Body. The is the beautiful Art piece that my Life has/does share with the world. These curves, this fat...this is my Body. This body is different than the ones we see on Media, or the "stereotypical" Yogini communities. This body is different than you will see on the covers of Sacred Sexuality promotions. I acknowledge the *shame* I feel in that...I do not look like those bodies...*This is My body*...

I rather Love my nipples and the nipple rings which I ceremoniously put there...

This is my naked body...I feel grief when people are not attracted to it because it does not fit within social beauty norms of this time. I feel rejected. I reject myself because I do not fit within the "celebrated" norms.

I cherish those who can see the beauty of the whole of me...who are attracted to this body. To my powerful energy. To the woman I AM.

....

I acknowledge the external validation that I need. I acknowledge that I take on other people's opinion, and take it into myself. I acknowledge I reject myself when others reject me.  

I acknowledge the shame of having this body. I acknowledge the WISH to have some other body, something that is what people want. I acknowledge my self worth comes from outside of myself. That I gain confidence when others rejoice in my being. 

I acknowledge I desperately long for the person who I am attracted to TO BE ATTRACTED TO ME.

Why the fuck am I spending so much time and energy on people who are not there for me...(back to trying to heal the past with the present)...such dedication to hitting my heart against unfriendly/unshared places. 

I acknowledge the courage to speak my heart. To speak what is alive for me. This is a powerful step along the road to reclaiming ME. I have the courage to acknowledge the parts of myself which I feel ashamed. 

I acknowledge the courage to post naked pictures of myself, and speak what I feel is FAT SHAMING in these Communities. Silence does not acceptance make. 

Ignoring these non-spoken community agreements does not Heal this wound. I will no die inside myself.

I will not go easily into my own grace...I will claim this personal space of me. I will juice my own ill suited habits, and defense mechanisms for the pain barriers they are. 

Masculine/Feminine ??

why Kris hated space. (inside/outside relations) found the feeling place this week.

It "does not feel Strong" if the Masculine is this pillar of Protection inside, then the Feminine is the Void? (getting lost in the nothing.) Falling into. ???

falling into the emotional abyss, fears of getting lost in it.

I think it has to do with these core energetics...the defender of the Masculine...

the unsafe feeling of the Feminine?