Naming and feeding my inner demons.

Hello you cute and "ugly" parts of me.

I am putting this here in the Africa files. It has been quit a ride since returning. The energy is building and I have come home to be present with the deep, old parts of myself which I tried to run away from.

I feel like I am swimming around in festering pus from wounds of the past. Rahasya says FEEL IT,  it will pass. All of last month I felt depressed and lethargic. Do movement or will to move my Life forward. Pressure, yes...chi...not so much.

This week I am feeling more motion.

Here...this space is to claim these parts of myself. A lot of shame surrounds them.

Repression. I have repressed parts of myself. I have repressed my sexuality.

Hunger.

Unlovable.

Suffering.

Hole in my Soul. Unsatisfiable. not enoughness. Addiction to Others to feel complete.

Can't do it right.

I can't feel others Love. I can't feel their affection. It is not enough.

Disbelief in myself.

**Desperate.

**Needy.

**Unworthy.

Failure.

Miserable.

Emotional manipulation.

Victim.

Denial.


I see the spirals of my Life continue. I do not see the change I long for. I do not see changes in behavior. I see a WOUNDED child. I see a deep GRIEF. I see a emotionally handicapped person. I feel the pain which was put away. I feel the longing for something else.

I have a really difficult time believing. I am not graceful in receiving.

Yes. I know this is a time where we are healing personal and transpersonal places. I know I am doing healing work bigger than this single being. I am grateful for the bigger context.

It is a wild energy about. Big shifts and changes. 

A Chod practice?
feeding the demons which plague me.

1) feel it in the body (sensations, form, color)
2) hey you...what do you need?
3) Become it. I am suffering. I need compassion. (Feed it till it is satisfied.) Engorge the mother fucker.
4) Feel it full. Feel it satisfied. Meet an Ally.

conversation

people connect with the labels rather than seeking what is under...seeing the wholenss...holding the unMET one (maiden)...

so people see those identies, and go no further...

What if you tried something new. And not shared triggering things up front. An experiment

giving chance to see the beauty of the whole picture (not get scared away by singular pieces of Life). Whatever the identity piece.

The whole story puts it in a field, vs a singular point.

One of my gifts is pulling the trigger out, yet it tends to be destructive to me. 

conversation with Jacqui. 

thoughts to ponder for sure...

ready for the next evoluation

Honoring the marching orders which is coming through the Divine.

How I will take this feelings space, and knowledge to my Life in the Future?
ahhh....

grateful for the allies and support system I have for this healing Journey.

they say happiness is the fulfillment of a goal. The place of knowing you put yourself into something, and with work, persistence, time that which comes about. The celebration of a brief destination.

I feel satisfied with this Journey. I am grateful for the feelings of completion.

Now...travel...Paris! And a return to San Francisco.

Looking forward to micro brews, hot tubs, redwoods and the next evolution. Feeling excited and renewed in my emotional body. Me.

What's on the radar...
Tri's Ritual.
getting more conscious with Physical Health. check ups. honoring the Body.
Steady Income. care giving/hospice. Death Rites. (live in?)

where is Home? Conscious community...slower pace of Life.
What does the bigger picture look like?

Answers and Questions...sounds like fullness.

Emotions to feel and spaces to speak into.
whee...

I love you Kris, I love all of you...and this too...

thoughts before leaving South Africa...

a beautiful, sweet feeling space before leaving South Africa. Completion thoughts start to be pondered... I came to these shores scattered and disheartened. I came with the desire to be seen and to reconnect parts of myself which have been abandoned.

I feel now, after these months much more solid in my core. I feel the joy and connection of meeting new people, and feeling seen. The sweetness of meeting strangers, and feeling...the "I know you"...resonance.

I feel renewed. Renewed to go home and sort out the next step. The renewal of Faith and Hope of this big Mysterious game we play called Life.
I feel the courage and strength it took to allow myself to come here...to a place across the world. (learning how to give myself some credit)...

I am deeply grateful for those who connected with me the past 2 months. For the new friends and old. Thank you.

Looking forward to diving into this next phase of adventure. Dreaming a life of presence, and expression.
with Love.

Gratitude.

I landed in a beautiful space back in Johannesburg.

So, perhaps endings can lead to better circumstance. Room for trust.

I am feeling satisfied and complete in this South African Journey.

now in the bonus section.

I feel the creativity of the next cycle birthing. What I am called to look to next.

Expanding...from a more solid core.

Good Bye Cape Town...

You are a powerful energy field.

Thank you for sharing your beauty, and inspiration.

I had a lovely breakfast with Rahasya. He made delightful omelets. A tasty treat. A sweet completion to this healing adventure.

There will be more to dig into, yet I feel refreshed now. I feel more capable. I feel an affirmation of my ability to move through this Life.

I feel renewed in my inspiration to succeed in feeling myself. .

this morning I work up purrring...

How amusing...

A lovely exploration of Feminine and Masculine energy upon waking. Enjoying Shima and Simon in reflection of energetic dancing.

so if the Feminine holds the bigger picture, and the Masculine implements action towards (in Service)

hummm....

feeling the connection I had with the Feminine (passionately) in my 20's. Rebelliously. Counter-dependently. so much raw force. I attracted people, yes...and yet I myself was the wild chaos of trauma and *angry* expression in rebellious form.

It crumbles with deeper childhood trauma though...all those places of passion, all the inspiration : deadlocked at some point when it reaches the threshold of  ________________.

I am enjoying the feeling of energetic play with others who feel present.

Thank you.