Hello you cute and "ugly" parts of me.
I am putting this here in the Africa files. It has been quit a ride since returning. The energy is building and I have come home to be present with the deep, old parts of myself which I tried to run away from.
I feel like I am swimming around in festering pus from wounds of the past. Rahasya says FEEL IT, it will pass. All of last month I felt depressed and lethargic. Do movement or will to move my Life forward. Pressure, yes...chi...not so much.
This week I am feeling more motion.
Here...this space is to claim these parts of myself. A lot of shame surrounds them.
Repression. I have repressed parts of myself. I have repressed my sexuality.
Hunger.
Unlovable.
Suffering.
Hole in my Soul. Unsatisfiable. not enoughness. Addiction to Others to feel complete.
Can't do it right.
I can't feel others Love. I can't feel their affection. It is not enough.
Disbelief in myself.
**Desperate.
**Needy.
**Unworthy.
Failure.
Miserable.
Emotional manipulation.
Victim.
Denial.
I see the spirals of my Life continue. I do not see the change I long for. I do not see changes in behavior. I see a WOUNDED child. I see a deep GRIEF. I see a emotionally handicapped person. I feel the pain which was put away. I feel the longing for something else.
I have a really difficult time believing. I am not graceful in receiving.
Yes. I know this is a time where we are healing personal and transpersonal places. I know I am doing healing work bigger than this single being. I am grateful for the bigger context.
It is a wild energy about. Big shifts and changes.
A Chod practice?
feeding the demons which plague me.
1) feel it in the body (sensations, form, color)
2) hey you...what do you need?
3) Become it. I am suffering. I need compassion. (Feed it till it is satisfied.) Engorge the mother fucker.
4) Feel it full. Feel it satisfied. Meet an Ally.
