Even sex is not about sex...

It is amusing. I have had more cunnilingus in the past week, than I have had in the past year.  It is not a personal relationship. It is in the energy building service...very odd to ponder as usually cunnilingus is very vulnerable and sensitive for me. In the distant past, I reserved it for *special* interactions. I feel moved into vulnerability with this specific man, yet it is not the romantic relationship field.
Feels strange.

I have social time coming up where there is a question...how physically sexual will it get? The energy of the exchange is much more interesting to me right now, than if I will get naked with this person. I don't really have a preference. I am not sexually, lustfully attracted...and I could easily share exploration space of the body. It is not a big deal. Or not...I enjoy the pleasure of the energy.

Yes, there ARE people who I felt the body longing for, and energetically would have enjoyed getting naked specifically for play. But it does not seem to be a dominant orientation right now. Things that make me go hummm.....

Emptying out the Past pain...

so many sources of Past pain.

childhood:

a ton of developmental pain. a ton of I am not going to look at this now (strategy) to get through it, and now is later...

I survived. I am here. and I have a shit ton of past pain, I did not feel.

Yes, it made me more compassionate, with tons of capacity for others feeling states.

And it fucking hurts.


some notion that being strong has been a function of not feeling my emotions. The known core of protection holding me up, the fear if I let it go I will be nothing. Existential identity. 

past lives:


pain of our humanity.


...
It is interesting. The sexual side of this is so sideline. A vehicle for raising energy, a different tone than sensual pleasure.

Fucking tired...Gods...

feeling energetically scrapped...like not enough butter over toast.
...

I really enjoyed Shima.

I enjoy her energy.

I enjoyed spending a whole day in the same vicinity. I am grateful for the depth of her sharing. 

I did not enjoy the sliding along tender lines. Energetic fault lines.

Usually I am the one who slides along those places (of others). That piercing gaze into others energy matrix. She did it in such a sweet way. Gods.

...
Rejection. 

"Moving toward, breathing in and kissing rejection as it stirs big energy places. "

"taking things personally" is the symptom. the wound is deeper than that. A young girl. shacking, quivering in perpetual hurt.

I feel so young, and so tender right now. Tears come so easily.

I need water, natural bodies...in a big way.

Energetic Jedi moves...

As I lick the Lake of my own salty tears...I ponder.

how far I have come...

removed from the person sharing their body, energy dancing with energy.

It is not a personal lust. It is beyond the call of the Flesh.

In presence.

...
it really is a rather brilliant Professional energetic stage.

*the Body* the body may respond as body does...
your invitation is to meditate with the body. Allow what it brings up in you.
Feel through, allow the energy to expand beyond

...

FEEL ME...

I choose the extra-ordinary...

I choose to believe it is possible...

I choose to follow the curiosity...

I choose to trust in the process of becoming...

I choose to make choices based on excitement and interest.

I choose to move toward my desires...

Postal Mail is just not a big thing here in South Africa.

The post office? What?

It is amazing the difference between US postal system, and the South African connection to their post.

This house does not even receive post. ??

Culture difference.

It is not sure to get here if sent within the country. Who knows if the book I sent here will arrive. It will be a mystery.

huh.

the kind of love that moves us to become...

 

"Give me the kind of love that turns my past into an etch a sketch and shakes the broken out of me." 

It is happening...in its own way...

much more violently than I had imagined. More vigorously...my own hands on the sides of the screen.

Claiming more ease and harmony in the Process.  

no striving in the Allowing process, relaxing into allowing...

relaxing into the accepting, not pushing it.

 

 

 

....

 

“We can pay people to clean our house, do our taxes, teach us piano, and fix broken bones, but nobody can do our inner work for us. Nobody. To truly take responsibility for ourselves, we must grow up psychologically and spiritually, so we can respond to life as mature and authentic men and women.”
-Mariana Caplan

 

Meeting new people, expanding the web of connections...

On Saturday,
I had a sweet and easy day with Eloise.

I spent more money than I planned, but I bought this beautiful dress and a skirt which really *feels good on me*...

We visited a cheese factory, and they had some delightful Gouda. Yummy. I brought a ton home.

Walking on the lands, playing...I brought a lot of playful girl energy. Making swords for princesses...inviting play.

We had some great, revealing conversations about our live. Love, relationships, developmentally different levels of men...

It is so nice to be out in nature, and with the land...

I feel a bit done with Johannesburg. Well done. (I still have yet to do a Soweto/Apartheid museum tour...and I am not sure...)

On Sunday,
 I had a wonderful dinner with Amanda, and Williem tonight.

We shared talk-story for 3 hours...laughing, discussing different facets of consciousness and perspectives on how we embody these space-suits.

I liked Amanda's definition of consciousness made form in the Earth element.

good food, good conversation...

I enjoyed the attention, and presence.

Rahasya is back in Jozi

It was sweet to have him over for tea today.

Such blessings of consciousness conversation the past few days! Abundance of people, and tasty food.

I enjoy his sweet presence, and an expanded conversation on how we view these lenses of what is.

No Fire...I can command his attention, and presence if that is what the Intention of his empowerment training. He was speaking of how he defers to Dakini's again...I can show up that masculine, but that is not what I am working on..

Much has unfolded since the first week of my Journey.

I have felt Fire with a couple of men here. The desire at Blissdance with that one...wowza. I did not desire to control myself! So it is not the case that I am unable, it is just how it is. I could move toward fire if he brought it, yet that does not seem to be how our sessions have unfolded.

such is the reality of energy. I am grateful for the Ease, and sweetness. I trust the space.

the deep works of Self revelation and the Healing Journey

 Micheal's shared story:
outing himself as something socially taboo, and judged.

"My Life and Lessons as a a registered sex offender..."

This action really touches me.

This is an example of walking our talk to me.
Moving beyond the fear of what others might think, or judge us and be real with each other.

*This is my story...this is where I have been, and where I am.

Honesty, vulnerability, walking through the Fire and coming out the other side to share our Gifts with Community.

This is Shamanic Journeying.

This is wholeness.

beautiful. xo

a love letter to my inner child.

by Allison Neppi

To the child who couldn’t understand

why nobody could understand.

To the one whose hand was never taken,

whose eyes were never gazed into by

an adult who said,

“I love you.

You are a miracle.

You are holy,

right now and

forever.”

To the one who grew up in the realm of “can’t.”

To you who lived “never enough.”

To the one who came home to no one there, and

there but not home.

To the one who could never understand why

she was being hit

by hands, words, ignorance.

To the one whose innocence was unceremoniously stolen.

To the one who fought back.

To the one who shattered.

To the never not broken one.

To the child who survived.

To the one who was told she was

sinful, bad, ugly.

To the one who didn’t fit.

To she who bucked authority

and challenged the status quo.

To the one who called out

the big people for

lying, hiding and cruelty.

To the one who never stopped loving anyway.

To the child that was forbidden to need.

To the ones whose dreams were crushed

by adults whose dreams were crushed.

To the one whose only friend

was the bursting, budding forest.

To the ones who prayed to the moon,

who sang to the stars

in the secrecy of the night

to keep the darkness at bay.

To the child who saw God

in the bursting sunshine of

dandelion heads

and the whispering

clover leaf.

To the child of light who cannot die,

even when she’s choking

in seven seas of darkness.

To the one love

I am and you are.

You are holy.

I love you.

You are a miracle.

Your life,

your feelings,

your hopes and dreams–

they matter.

Somebody failed you but you will not fail.

Somebody looked in your eyes and saw the sun — blazing — and got scared.

Somebody broke your heart but your love remains perfect.

Somebody lost their dreams and thought you should too,

but you mustn’t.

Somebody told you

that you weren’t

enough

or too much,

but you are

without question

the most perfect

and holy creation of

God’s

own

hands.

Other International places I would like to visit...

Egypt:
down the Nile, Sacred Sites.
 

Cambodia:
Siem Reap, Angkor wat

Hungry:

Prauge


Vienna

Goreme, Turkey (The Underground City)

Black Jaguar

"The panther is a very powerful and ancient totem. It is generally associated with a particular species of leopard or jaguar although the cougar is also referred to as panther. As with most of the large cats, the panther is a symbol of ferocity and valor. It embodies aggressiveness and power, though without the solar significance. In the case of the Black Panther, there is definitely a lunar significance. The panther has over 500 voluntary muscles that they are capable of using at will. This reflects a great deal about an individual who has such animals as a totem. It reflects an ability to do a variety of tasks as he or she wills. It is simply a matter of deciding and putting to use those particular “muscles,” be they physical, mental, psychic, or spiritual. As a whole panthers are loners (solitary) although they do associate with others, they are most comfortable by themselves or within their own marked territory. They are drawn to those individuals who are likewise often solitary.

Panther is secretive, silent, and graceful in her every move. She is solitary by choice, she tells little though listens much. She is careful not to share too much information, only enough to ease curious minds.

Of all the panthers, probably the Black Panther has the greatest mysticism associated with it. It is the symbol of the feminine, the dark mother, the dark of the moon. It is the symbol for the life and power of the night. It is a symbol of the feminine energies manifest upon the earth. It is often a symbol of darkness, death, and rebirth from out of it. There still exists in humanity a primitive fear of the dark and of death. The Black Panther helps you to understand the dark and death and the inherent powers of them; and thus by acknowledging them, eliminate your fears and learn to use the powers. In China there were five mythic cats, sometimes painted like tigers or leopards. The black reigns in the north with winter as its season of power, and water its most effective element. This is the element of the feminine. This is the totem of greater assertion of feminine in all her aspects: child, virgin, seductress, mother, warrioress, seeress, and the old wise woman.


When the Black Panther enters your life as a totem, it awakens the inner passions. This is capable of manifesting in unbridled expressions of baser powers and instincts. It is also capable reflecting an awakening of the kundalini, signaling a time of not just coming into one’s own power. More so, the keynote of the Black Panther is Reclaiming One’s True Power. In mythology and scripture, the panther has been a symbol of the “Argos of a Thousand Eyes,” who guarded the heifer IO who was loved by Zeus. After his death, the eyes were transferred to the feathers of the peacock. The panther always brings guardian energy to those to whom it comes.

The panther often signals a time of rebirth after a period of suffering and death on some level. This implies that an old issue may finally begin to be resolved, or even that old longstanding wounds will finally begin to heal, and with the healing will come a reclaiming of power that was lost at the time of wounding. Also, the Black Panther is very mystical, she finds the most power in darkness.

Black Panther understands death and teaches people not to fear it, for out of death comes rebirth.
To the Native peoples of North and South America, the jaguar especially in the form of the Black Panther, was endowed with great magic and power. The jaguar panther climbs, runs, and swims, even superior to that of the tiger. For the reason that it is capable of functioning so well in so many areas, it became the symbol of mastery over all dimensions. To the Tucano Indians of the Amazon, the roar of the jaguar was the roar of thunder. Thus the Black Panther was the god of darkness and was capable of causing eclipses by swallowing the sun. This reflects the tremendous power inherent within the feminine forces. To those with the panther as a totem, this power will increasingly be experienced.
Nietzsche once said, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” It is this same idea that is awakened in the lives of those who open to the power of the panther totem. The panther marks a new turn in the heroic path of those to whom it comes. It truly reflects more than just coming into one’s own power. Rather it reflects a reclaiming of that which was lost and an intimate connection with the great archetypal force behind it. It gives an ability to go beyond what has been imagined, with opportunity to do so with discipline and control. It is the spirit of imminent rebirth.”
Panther people have a broader vision. Panther medicine gives them a deeper insight, both spiritually and psychically. Their enhanced perspective lets them see things in close detail or from a distance. Panthers enter the world enlightened whereas others have to work to achieve that."

Out into the Bush

A full and wonderful day of exploring...it was so delightful to get out onto the LAND! Finally.

the grasses/vegetation felt sharper. The air was cleaner...(thank Goddess)

Listening to the winds in the grass

The sun making Art overhead.

Seeing animals, interacting with them.

Expectations

Yes, I expected emotional availability.  After cultivating a space of allowing and acceptance, I was under the impression that was a value.

(not after them getting hurt with my action to invite someone who has hurt them)
that ended that.

I expected communication.

I expected time shared in conversation. Not hiding away in the room, or so busy that there is no time to connect.

I expected when you say you are going to do something, you are on top of it...and DO it.

I expect not to have to keep asking, over and over. I DO NOT feel heard when this happens.
**the little one screams! Why don't you care! Why is what I asked for (2 million times!!!) not important to you? Am I not important to you...is my happiness, integration into this Journey not important to you?? WHAT THE FUCK?


Perceptions...

The open road doesn’t necessarily lead to anywhere and all of those curious sights, smells and tastes that will blow your mind each and every day? To other people, those are normal, commonplace, or boring. Those people you will meet with those new accents, different clothing and entirely unique ways of living, doing, and being? They are not strangers. You are the stranger.

They are not different. You are different.
They are not odd. You are odd.
These people are not weird or funny, crazy or complicated. Rather, YOU are those things, YOU are those thoughts, and YOU are those opinions.

Never forget the power of perception.

the honorable Fight...

witnessing: a childhood struggle to overcome the Past. To valiantly conquer WHAT WAS MISSING, and overcome scarcity. To have it work *this* time. The fight to make it right...

the valiant effort to do BETTER...

watching the story play out over and over again.

the Heroic *struggle*...of the wounded child. How can things be better if there is nothing to struggle against? (how can I succeed? how can I fight against the injustice of how it is to me *the inner child*)

the shape of pre-conscious motivations.
honoring this too. Accepting and Allowing. *this too*
welcoming depth

the benevolent and nurturing mother smiles...

There is my powerful and amazing child. There she is...creative, determined, driven...
yes, little...you can run here any time you hurt yourself. You can count on me to hold you, and love you AS YOU ARE...

no *better than this*...just you. 

Enjoying sensual touch

Ahh...to receive and play in the Sensual Realm.

A sweet and playful connection with a local massage practitioner. Energetic a nice warm Fire, which does not burn with obsession. The ability to dance in the licks of flames, without getting lost in them (presently).

I know this is a short term thing, so it works.

I do not feel a romantic relationship dynamic, and my easy space to express space is physical intimacy space. **NOT MY EDGE. heh.

It is nice just to be naked, and be touched while stoking the Fire between.

No edge pushing for me, or anything particularly new.

"learning, exploring ways of interaction which he had not gone before"...I am glad he enjoyed himself. I had a lovely, sweet time. That feels nourishing right now after all the emotional intimacy longing over this past year.

Present.

I had a few energy Orgasms. Waves of pleasure which run through a chakra, and the whole body.

It was nice to remember.

Thank you.

Self Love... flowers and recieving touch.

The stage is set.

Flowers for Me.

I love candles.

The table is ready...

Big feelings today.

Feeling lost in the muchness of this time.

The patterns of me have followed me across the bloody world.
watching in horror. feeling self condemnation.

I notice I am LOSING empathy, and nurturing spaces. WTF!
(and meeting new people...yet feeling the same values of communication, consistency, showing upness) 

It felt so sweet to be held here in that way, and then I made a choice...and it triggered something in the other. BAMM.  change. Life stresses...not available.

*I am reaching out to my Global village*

the gift of teaching other's their fucking boundaries...oh how glorious.

"I get to learn how to say No, as you are teaching me about that..(Cuddle Party rules and ways of being) helping her learn how to feel safe again..." grrrreeeaat.
"I am not available for nurturing, as I am drained myself." the conscious part of me understands, and yet *little* needs her nurturing.

if self responcible is reaching out for our needs...

Gods, I fear rejection. I fear No. I fear...it will cost you this much(and I have this much for traveling now).

feeling vulnerable in the reaching out, and yet I have no control over what others CHOOSE.

I am vulnerable. I am a feeling being.

I feel...

Lost.
Startled.
Mystified.
Contempt (for self mostly, for these damn patterns)
Turmoil

Flooded.
Drippy.


Unsettled.
UNHAPPY.

 

Ibis tribe of the back yard.

There are a number of myths and legends about ibides that I've run across, including how the sacred ibis, Threskiornis aethiopicus, is the mythological phoenix, playing a central role in the creation myths of the ancient Egyptians and in their beliefs and rituals related to the transmigration of the soul. The sacred ibis was an object of religious veneration

Hadada Ibis: The Hadada or Hadeda Ibis (Bostrychia hagedash), is an ibis found in Sub-Saharan Africa.

*grey ibis

 (picture of little flock of 3) one with a missing foot.  

 Ibis Wisdom Includes:

* Harbinger of lunar functions, cycles of time, measure and movement
* Connection to the Egyptian Gods and Goddesses
* Connected to Thoth, the Egyptian god of wisdom, moon and Magick
* Connected with the mysteries and legends of the Egyptian mythological traditions
* Openness of spirit, mind and body to the working of God and of Spirit
* Calling to provide some type of service to their "God" or to Spirit, as each would understand that 'calling' to be for THEM personally
* Occult wisdom
* Wisdom
* Enlightenment
* Ability to work with magick spells
* Understanding ancient wisdom
* Assists with recovering information from the akashic records (Hall of Records, Halls of Amenti)

 Ibis was an important creature to the Egyptians. Ibis was sacred to the Goddess Isis. Thoth, god of the Moon and wisdom, has an ibis head. Thoth, guardian of the Moon Gates, was the deity of record keeping and magick. Thoth, in the form of Ibis, hovered above the Egyptians and taught them the occult arts and sciences.

I love being sexual...

I also loath getting hurt. I am tucked away in a safe space, waiting to someone who lives up to my desires for presence, skill, and sincerity.
...

I WANT YOUR ATTENTION.

I long for being sexually expressed.

I long to be held by a caring, heart centered, committed man.

I long to fuck like bunnies, and have long, passionate interludes.

I long to feel a pulsing cock inside of me, and feel attractive, wanted, held.

I long to worship a loving cock.

I long to have a deep, intimate, passionate, sexually fulfilling Relationship.

I long to know myself as a satisfied, wild, expressed woman.

I long to dance in my pleasure, and yours...

I long for you to hold me.

I long for your caresses.

I long to dance in my sexual creativity.

I long to share myself with you...feel you feeling me.

Reassure me...

I was not asking for other things to do. I was asking for REASSURACE!

I am a no to that invitation. I could not hold it with a open, willing heart.

...

I need lots of communication.

I need reassurance.

I need scheduling, and to know some form of what is going on.

...

I can feel the needs of my insecure self mirrored in this new environment. New people, same desires for consistent communication.

...

I have a reality of few options for my touch needs, for my transportation needs, for my resourced NEEDS.

so I am looking forward to doing X with someone...and I count on them to follow up, so that I can be responsible and meet that need that I have. Well it feels fucking impossible when others do not show up as they say they will.

How does this happen?

Life gets in the way.

Other things happen. AND I am still holding that tender need...

I feel baffled.
I feel irked.

I feel frusterated.

And this is with people I just met!
...

What are the creative SOLUTIONS here?

When in Paris...

Trampoline Bridge over the Seine in Paris! I wanna!

Also the Paris catacomes...

Travel Truisms and may they touch me...

Amazing...

http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/07/12/ten-travel-truisms-for-a-swollen-heart-an-open-mind-and-an-inspired-soul-away-from-home/

Truism #4:  The journey is the destination.

Relax.
Relax.
Relax, my dear.
You’re off on an adventure and you have a lot planned: yoga retreats, temples, beaches, parties, hiking. You’re going to see it all, do it all and remember it all. Well, here’s a funny story: No, you’re not, no, you shouldn’t, and no, you won’t.
But that’s okay.

The open road doesn’t necessarily lead to anywhere and all of those curious sights, smells and tastes that will blow your mind each and every day? To other people, those are normal, commonplace, or boring. Those people you will meet with those new accents, different clothing and entirely unique ways of living, doing, and being? They are not strangers. You are the stranger.

They are not different. You are different.
They are not odd. You are odd.
These people are not weird or funny, crazy or complicated. Rather, YOU are those things, YOU are those thoughts, and YOU are those opinions.

Never forget the power of perception.

Truism #6: Be inspired or be expired. The choice is yours.

Here’s the thing about travelling: It’s all up to you. If you want to sit around and complain all day about the trip, the food, the culture, the people, the toilets, the roads, the language, the internet and the lack of the regular comforts of home, feel free. By all means, go right ahead and do it. That’s entirely your choice.
But, it’s also your choice to embrace disappointment, to cuddle up with craziness, and to slow dance with all of the severely messed up things that make their way into your life. And don’t kid yourself – there will be a lot of unexpected slow dances on this trip.

But, like on the dance floor, just because you don’t know the words, doesn’t mean that you can’t sing along and just because you don’t know the steps, doesn’t mean that you can’t dance like a motherfucker until the sun comes up.

Setbacks are speed bumps and fears are fuel. Get moving, get shaking and don’t ever stop.

Truism #8:  Say yes, and say it often, but do not forget the powerful importance of saying no.

I’ve had enlightened conversations with third world prostitutes, taken motorcycle rides with strange French surf bums, and cuddled a Vietnamese chicken on an overnight bus ride. I’ve crossed borders on boats, taken taxis to nowhere, and been mugged in the daytime streets and robbed on a moonlit beach. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve made amends, but I’ve also made a life and I encourage you to do the same.
Go and do that thing that scares you. Climb a mountain, take that chance, and be that person that leads that group to do that thing that time that you’ve always wanted to do because THAT will be a good day. Express your heart, loudly and clearly, every chance you can. Sleep under the stars, cry under the moon and stumble face first into all of those glittering gutters that so many never escape from.

Make mistakes (but never the same one twice). Get sick. Fall down. Have adventures. Inspire yourself. Love everything. Create opportunities. Pinch potential on the ass as it walks past searching for a place to rest its head. Be raw. Tear yourself open and have a look around inside. Smile at a sunset and break dance with a break down. Push your memories aside and let the present have a turn at the wheel.

Get up and get going.
Live. It. Up.
But not too much.
Don’t forget that you’re in a faraway foreign land where everything feels different for a reason. Be careful. Be mindful. Take heed. Mind your own business, and pay attention.

Seriously. Pay attention.

Trust your gut. Nurture your awareness and give some thought to uncertainty when it seemingly appears from nowhere, pokes you in the arm and begs you for attention. When you’re scared, take note. When you’re not scared, take notes. Grow. Learn. Evolve. Be better than you thought you could be.

Above all else, through the pouring rainstorms of your soul and down across all of the frozen wastelands of apathy and evil that you may witness, never stop celebrating. In time, you will learn that every emotion is a gift, that hardship is a younger, dirtier version of wisdom, and that we are all, each of us, miracles in a constant state of grace.

You may not believe me now, but I’m right on this.
Trust me.

Truism #9:  Remember to forget, but don’t forget to remember.

Don’t forget yourself; remember who you are. Remember why you are there, doing those things, seeing those scenes and living those dreams. Remember what you want to gain from this experience. Recall that you’ve been looking forward to this trip for a long time. You will be in a different place every day with different people talking different languages.

You are your only constant. Find comfort inside yourself. Lose yourself in every moment, but never forget where you’ve been, who you are, and what you wish to become.

Truism #10: The open road can close your heart. Don’t let it. 

Crowds can make you feel alone, just as full rooms can make you feel empty inside. Fortunately, you are blessed with family and friends that love you. They will be thinking about you each and every day. They will miss you and even though you cannot feel it, you will carry your loved ones with you in every decision you make. Make them proud. Leave a noble legacy.
I am sad to see you go, I will miss you every day, and I will appreciate you even more the next time our eyes meet.  But that’s a tale for another day.  For now, it’s time for you to go and have the trip you’ve been dreaming about.
Go make memories. Go create stories. Go collect experiences.

If I can sum it all up in one little sentence, let it be this: Live a life that would make you jealous.

 

 

Kai: keeper of the keys

3+ times this name has come into our world today...

There is something in that.

Starting a new Practice...

Stories to Forgive.

I have so much pain, and sorrow lurking in my energy field. It is time to dive in (again, some more...) and do some work on it.

It is time to let go of some of this pain, and sorrow...releasing, accepting and allowing for what is in the future.

Namaste.

not matter where I go...there I am.

Yes, I have brought myself with me.

I have brought the gifts and the challenges.

I have brought my nurturing and my insensitivity (based on intuition, and personal definition).

I see the patterns of taking people at face value (believing them when they say Yes) and watching the challenges of their boundary unfolding in themselves. *It becomes really apparent when people say...I have boundary issues...and then show up in my Life. damn. Well...they then get to work on their boundaries and I am a tool for that it seems.

I have my own boundary challenges. How I am taking care of my inner treasures...How I respond to another's No. How I am impacted by others energy, emotions, Life.

Sensitive Lion Heart

illuminating the courage inherent within.

*meow*

Love.

on the Radio

The witnessing of my own courage seems to be up for me...

People share that I live a courageous life. Who me? I have not clue.

at times I feel so sensitive and scared.

Yet, I continue to move out in amazing ways.

Yesterday, I did my first in studio interview. It felt safer as I am here in a far away country, promoting my work and with more freedom to share authentically (without the constraints of US social norms). I am allowing myself certain freedoms with feel liberating.

There were massive technical difficulties, which makes the radio look really silly however for me it felt like a great practice run. I had an interesting conversation with the host, and shared from the Heart.

South Africa has its own challenges here...as a visitor I get to see from a different perspective, and still hold the values of my own. Hopefully safely...

so an interesting illumination of courage which I take for granted in my Life.
something so natural as going forward, and being on a radio show...when invited...it flowed with ease (within me).

And that, I whole heartedly CELEBRATE.

Good Job Kris.

I love you.

stepping into something bigger than I knew.

So a bigger picture continues to unfold.

It seems I did not have full information, nor availability of reality with my host family. Choices which were made from the information at hand, and I am noticing it is challenging when you do not have all the information.

So...riding the waves of Life. Feeling a deep level of anxiety right now.

No, this is not my preference. My preference is to know all the information before landing in the circumstance.

FUCK.

Feeling anxious and emotional this afternoon.

Questioning if I can read a situation.
the faith to jump in...
the ability to trust my own inner voice.

I desire this...

Spirit says Yes...till more of the picture unfolds. This chaos unfolding. This unknown becoming known.

This terrible success of feeling deeply into this realm.

I feel so much right now.

ALLOW Kris..

allow and let it move through.

conflict unearthed.

Bubbling over the edges...not what I thought we were going to talk about.

So much hurt and pain.

Never my intention, and yet there it is...unwilling to take the projection unto myself and still there was a consequence of my choice. We all have our paths of healing, and others have their own time line.

My work seems to be not to take it as personally as I have other things in my Life. To be emotionally present, and hold the space without abandoning myself into another's experience.

An emotional day. The energy peaked I think.

the unspoken cracked and was spoken.

pain happens, hurt happens, and life happens...we move forward.

May there be HEALING...for all of us.

feeling the desire to plan a trip in/around South Africa

I have an invitation to visit the Durban area...we shall see how that actually shows up.
**options!** Inviting people, resources and options...for this amazing Journey.


What do I desire to see while I am here?

What is my Intention for this exploration and sampling of SA...

Cape Town.
the Cape Good Hope

the Wilds...
animals, landscapes,the land calls...how can I get there??

the Garden Route " Garden Route is a very scenic stretch on the south-eastern coast of South Africa (Eastern Cape), starting at Mossel Bay and finishing at Storms River."

This route takes visitors east along the coast from Cape Town, past spectacular coastal scenery and through indigenous forests surrounding the beautiful town of Knysna. End your Garden Route trip with a visit to the Addo Elephant National Park near Port Elizabeth, where you are guaranteed good sightings of these lumbering giants.

Royal Natal National Park

www.lesedi.com
South Africa tribal culture park.
how much?

Jo'berg Botanical Garden...hey, I have been here!!!



Oribi Gorge swinging!! (outside of Port Shepstone: South of Durban)

http://www.wild5adventures.co.za/page/Adventure+Rates


Union buildings in Pretoria.

Jo'burg and around:

a meal at Carnivore.
http://www.gauteng.net/cradleofhumankind/attractions-entry/traditional_african_dining_carnivore/

Succulent venison cuts such as zebra, impala, crocodile and ostrich, along with domestic meats, are skewered on Masaai swords and charcoal grilled over an open, circular fire dominating the centre of restaurant. Home-made soup and bread is served to start; sauces, salads and pap to accompany; and a dawa (vodka, honey and lime) to wash it all down.


Adam's Calendar:
http://blog.sa-venues.com/provinces/mpumalanga/adams-calendar-and-stone-circle-ruins/

There are numerous myths and theories about the origins of man, and both Adams Calendar and Stone Circle Ruins give evidence to the existence of early civilizations. Adam’s calendar is a 750,000 year old stone calendar, pre-dating all other man-made structures. It is clearly positioned to record the solstice, equinoxes and days of the year and is evidence of consciousness amongst the earliest humans in Africa.

(west of Jozi. towards Kruger?)

Towards Kruger: (5 hrs away)

the Blyde river canyon.
Gods Window: viewing area.

Mother's day

Happy Mother's Day...
this Mother's day I am celebrating multiple facets.

1) the generous biological mother *now* who is generous and who has supported my Dreams for these past few years while I was doing really deep healing work. For her willingness to accept me, now as an adult. For her deep generous Spirit, and open minded conversation. Willing to answer the deepest questions about my Life, and how I because this woman I am today. I love you.

2) I acknowledge the wounded child within. This Mother's day...I release the struggle to change my rejecting parents as I experienced them as a child. I have no doubt they did the best the could. It has taken many years and more Journey's to get to this place. Yes, there are beautiful gems gained from the painful places of my Life. It has birthed a very nurturing, sensitive, caring and compassionate being. It has inspired the healing work I do, in all forms. It is both a powerful place, and a shitty one. No child deserves to feel the pain of their parent rejecting them. Yet we do. I now acknowledge all the work I have been doing to change my relationship to that space.

3) I would like to share my deep appreciation with every single person I have loved, and those who have shared their Mothering care with this healing woman. To all the Loving, Nurturing, Kind, Sensitive, Empathetic, Sweet voices of healing in my Life...Thank you.

Thank you to my foster Mother's, conscious or unconscious. To the teachers who believed in me. To the Healers who have held me in safe space.

Thank you.

Thank you Mom. I love you. I forgive you. I am grateful we have time to share with each other now. Exploring the wild woman archetype and embodying our ancestor's legacy with honor.

Namaste.

finding my confidence.

Where along the Journey did I stop believing in myself?

Where did she go?

Did I tie my self worth into how many people were showing up for events (sessions, etc)? Did I blame and shame myself for not attracting enough people to support myself with my Sexuality and Event work?

Did I blame her for other people's choices? Did I take the new age dogma too far to heart and take full responsibility for something much larger than myself?

I am starting to feel her sweet return. One event at a time...

I do have something to share.
It feels sweet to remember *inside* of me...

Hurting

...Awaken your spirit of adventure; hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk; soon you will be home in a new rhythm, for your soul senses the world that awaits you. - J. O'Donohue

Hurting this morning. hurting that I am hurting myself...and it feels like an INSULT to my Spirit. (to continue patterns of pain)

Primal, deep...have to feel it hurting...no hiding from it hurting.

Can't we fucking change this?! Hurting.

ARRRGGGG...wanna fight and scream and...

cuddle party tonight.

Emotionally damp today. Eyes sore from tears.

the yes, and of this life...

walkabout pt. 2: considering languages

How is it that the colonization of South Africa did not stamp out the tribal languages like it did in America?

There are so many beautiful languages being spoken here...how did the natives keep their spoken heritage?

In the US the ruling white government put the natives into "cultraulization" schools. Forbidding they speak their native tongue. Why didn't the British and Afrikaners do this? Or why did the Americans?

Did the Puritans REALLY have such a big shadow of being persecuted in Europe that they did the same thing to the Natives?

Where there more blacks in South Africa? Where there more whites in the US than Indians?

I would love to speak with someone who has a sociology background and contrast and compare the different ways which history acted.

There seems to be a pedestal that the US occupies in cultural status here. Strange.

a different way of "discipline"

In this African tribe, when someone does something harmful, they take the person to the center of the village where the whole tribe comes and surrounds them.

For two days, they will say to the man all the good things that he has done.

The tribe believes that each human being comes into the world as a good. Each one of us only desiring safety, love, peace and happiness.

But sometimes, in the pursuit of these things, people make mistakes.

The community sees those mistakes as a cry for help.

They unite then to lift him, to reconnect him with his true nature, to remind him who he really is, until he fully remembers the truth of which he had been temporarily disconnected: "I am good."

Shikoba Nabajyotisaikia!

NABAJYOTISAIKIA, is a compliment used in South Africa and means: "I respect you, I cherish you. You matter to me." In response, people say SHIKOBA, which is: "So, I exist for you."

This is my Intention for Inclusion. This is my desire to hold the contrary voices in community. What is their cry for help?
What is so deeply hurting that they would hurt others??

South African Lingo...

Ag (ah-ch): An expression of irritation or resignation. “Ag no man!” “Ag, these things happen”

Awê (ah-weh): A greeting. “Awê, brother!”

Babbelas (bah-bah-luss): Derived from the isiZulu word, ‘i-babalazi’, meaning drunk; adopted into the Afrikaans language as a term for ‘hangover’. “I have a serious babbelas!”

Bakkie (bah-kee): 1. A bowl. “Put those leftovers in a bakkie.” 2. A pick-up truck. “We all jumped on the back of my dad’s bakkie and went to the beach.”

Befok (buh-fawk): 1. Really good, amazing, cool. “The Symphonic Rocks concert is going to be befok!” 2. Crazy, mad, insane. “You tried to put your cat in the braai? Are you befok?”

Bergie (bear-ghee): Derived from berg, Afrikaans for ‘mountain’. Originally used to refer to vagrants living in the forests of Table Mountain, the word is now a mainstream term used to describe vagrants in Cape Town.

Bra (brah), bru (brew): Derived from broer, Afrikaans for ‘brother’; a term of affection for male friends; equivalent to dude. “Howzit my bru!” “Jislaaik bra, it’s been ages since I last saw you!”

Braai (br-eye): Barbeque (noun and verb). “Let’s throw a tjop on the braai.” “We’re going to braai at a friend’s house.”

Duidelik (day-duh-lik): Cool, awesome, amazing. “That bra’s car looks duidelik!”

Eish (ay-sh): isiZulu interjection; an exclamation meaning ‘oh my’, ‘wow’, ‘oh dear’, ‘good heavens’. A: “Did you hear? My brother got into a fight with a bergie!” B: “Eish! Is he hurt!”

Ek sê, Eksê (Eh-k-s-eh): Afrikaans for, ‘I say’. Used either at the beginning or end of a statement. “Ek sê my bru, let’s braai tomorrow.” “This party is duidelik, ek sê!”

Eina (Ay-nah): An exclamation used when pain is experienced, ‘ouch!’. “Eina! Don’t pinch me.”

Entjie (eh-n-chee): A cigarette. “Come smoke an entjie with me.”

Guardjie, gaatjie (gah-chee): The guard who calls for passengers and takes in the money on a minibus taxi.

hhayi-bo (isiZulu), hayibo (isiXhosa) (haai-boh): An interjection meaning ‘hey’; ‘no way’.“Hayibo wena, you can’t park there!”

Howzit (how-zit): A greeting meaning ‘hi’; shortened form of ‘how’s it going?’

Is it?: Used as acknowledgement of a statement, but not to ask a question – as one might assume. Most closely related to the English word ‘really’. A: “This guy mugged me and said I must take off my takkies!” B: “Is it?”

Ja (yaah): Afrikaans for ‘yes’. A: “Do you want to go to a dance club tonight?” B: “Ja, why not?”

Ja-nee (yah-near): Afrikaans for yes-no. Meaning ‘Sure!’ or ‘That’s a fact!’ Usually used in agreement with a statement. A: “These petrol price hikes are going to be the death of me.” B: “Ja-nee, I think I need to invest in a bicycle.”

Jol (jaw-l): (noun and verb) 1. A party or dance club. “We’re going to the jol.” “That party was an absolute jol!” 2. Used to describe the act of cheating. “I heard he was jolling with another girl.”

Jislaaik (yiss-like): An expression of astonishment. “Jislaaik, did you see that car go?”

Kak (kuh-k): 1. Afrikaans for ‘shit’. Rubbish, nonsense, inferior, crap or useless. “What a kak phone.” “Your driving is kak.” 2. Extremely, very. “That girl is kak hot!”

Kwaai (kw-eye): Derived from the Afrikaans word for ‘angry’, ‘vicious’, ‘bad-tempered’. Cool, awesome, great. “Those shoes are kwaai.”

Lekker (leh-kah): 1. Nice, delicious. “Local is lekker!” 2. Extremely, very. “South Africans are lekker sexy!”

Mielie (mee-lee): Afrikaans term for corn, corn-on-the-cob.

Nee (nee-ah): Afrikaans for ‘no’.

Naartjie (naah-chee): Afrikaans term for citrus unshiu, a seedless, easy peeling species of citrus also known as a ‘satsuma mandarin’.

Potjie, potjiekos (poi-kee-kaws): Afrikaans term for pot food/stew comprised of meat, chicken, vegetables or seafood slow-cooked over low coals in a three-legged cast iron pot.

Shame: A term of endearment and sympathy (not condescending). “Ag shame, sorry to hear about your cat.” “Oh shame! Look how cute your baby is!”

Shisa Nyama (shee-seen-yah-mah): isiZulu origin – while shisa means ‘burn’ or to be hot and nyama means ‘meat’, used together the term means ‘braai’ or ‘barbeque’. “Come on, let’s go to Mzoli’s for a lekker shisa nyama!”

Sisi (see-see): Derived from both isiXhosa and isiZulu words for sister, usisi and osisi (plural). “Hayibo sisi, you must stop smoking so many entjies!”

Sosatie (soo-saah-tees): Kebabs, skewered meat. “Let’s throw a few sosaties on the braai.”

Takkies (tack-kees): Trainers, sneakers, running shoes. “I want to start running, again but I need a new pair of takkies.”

Tjommie, chommie (choh-mee): Afrikaans slang for ‘friend’. “Hey tjommie, when are we going to the beach again?”

Vrot (frawt): Rotten; most often used to describe food that’s gone off or a state of being sick. “Those tomatoes are vrot.” “Champagne makes me feel vrot!”

Voetsek (foot-sek): Afrikaans for ‘get lost’, much like the British expression, ‘bog off’. “Hey voetsek man!”

Wena (weh-nah): isiXhosa and isiZulu for ‘you’. “Hey wena, where’s the R20 you owe me?”

Wys (vay-ss): Show, tell, describe. “Don’t wys me, I know where I’m going.”

One week...massive triggered space...

Goddess...

how we can
ever truly know another's pain. "Such a small thing" to one person, may seem like THE WORLD...to someone else as it brings up deeper feelings.

each choice has their consequences. Intentions: sure. How things land...sometimes can be much different. The trickster was in there too I imagine. Yet, it is not my pain which is currently alive in this space. It is those who are generous and have invited me into their space.

A home and a Healing Center.

Having a deep powerful conversation via secondary channel (when the other is just the other room away) again? my trigger...

Hey Look there are FEELINGS going on around here...this wave...it is outside of my own triggers...being with the tender spaces.

Acknowledging HURT happens. Inviting the forgiveness and healing which can come from the deep places.

remember love. the *trigger* catalyst is not the original wound.



How are you feeling darling...

"dreadful"

My cheri...how splendid.

Mothering energy is healing right now...healing the parental wounds.

Reaction!
Mothering...? (((noooo....))))


I am strong! I am independent. I don't need any help...(total balls) the child who resists. The Protected one. She who turned a bright face to the world. I am "ok". Vulnerability is weak...

voices in my psyche.

the depths of this obsessive love *pattern*
"Only if our parents met our needs for respect, love, approval, and protection can we generally develop enough trust in ourselves and trust in others to negotiate the stormy, uncharted waters of separation (child becoming adult). Those that don't meet these needs disrupt this journey by making the children feel abandoned. And if children feel abandoned , they usually lose the courage to separate, as if they have *lost their safety net*!!! on the first step onto the tight rope. (from Obsessive Love: when it hurts too much to let go. Dr. Susan Forward.)

"Rejection is the obsessive adult lover's worst nightmare." S.F.

Healing obsessive loving

a BIG fear...

if I give up obsession, I will be giving up LOVE itself.

(For my obsessive clients, the idea of giving up a lover or the pursuit of a former lover, even for a short time, seems inconceivable. It's as if they were being asked to give up breathing!!)

"Just let go..." he said. Do you have ANY idea of what that sounds like to me in my body??
...


Until now I have been putting the responsibility of my emotional well being in the hands of my lover. If my lover accepted me, I was in heaven, if they rejected me I was in hell. This sort of misplaced responsibility is unfair to my lover and it's unfair to me.

I am going to become obsessed with finding my own misplaced dignity, my confidence, my self-worth, AND my ability to love in a healthy, nourishing way.

I do this for myself, not to "win back" my lover. They may or may not find their way back to me. I am finding my way back to myself. To be at peace within myself.

to untangle obsession from loving.

Courage to explore this new land

I was walking around a shopping Mall today without my host. So vastly similar to any Mall in Metro US. People buying stuff, stuff to be bought. Consumerism at its best.

I found some yummy lemonade. Ahh the simple pleasures of Life.

Most people that I have seen thus far, have a level of affluence about them. Clothing, cars... it can easily be said that I have not *yet* seen much diversity of economic realities. Other than the street corner hawkers, and people asking for help.

I am grateful to be in a country where English is spoken, it is an easier transition. I remember when I was in France the language differences is a deeper strain for cultural adaptation. Even if there are a few words which are new, and I get to learn :) Translations are always fun...*huh* what does THAT mean?

Rahasya threatened me if South Africa was not chaotic enough for me, I would have to go to India...Goddess...I have heard of that cultural divergence. Extremes.

I am grateful to step out into the people, and start the process of welcoming that place inside of me which is being birthed here.
A different knowing of myself.

Namaste.

Healing Friends

The friends we meet along our Journey. I found this beauty at a friend's house. It is a deeply touching piece. I asked if she would share it here on this Journey for my own healing work. Gratefully here she is...

I feel the passion and fire of sensuality in this piece of Carnelian. I feel my own sexual joy reflected.
May she know pleasure. May she welcome her Heart's desires.

Yoni thoughts.

Genitals in this healing work...

it is not about scratching any per-verbal lust itch, no pleasure entertainment here. (more is the pity on some level) I am still hungry for Sensual frolic and sexual expression. Often. Looking forward to satisfaction in that realm.

Hands in Yoni, only to access the energy circuits which are located within.

I am missing the spark of desire for another human being. Missing the last person who I felt that with. Such longing. I really enjoyed feeling deeply into that space. The vulnerability and opening of myself.

my first walk in South Africa.

It has taken me three days to venture out of the bars and walls alone.

I have a strong awareness/fear of the crime here in Johannesburg. The fear of the unknown. It clouds the view of feeling safe in my sweetness.

Today: walking on the streets of Ferndale, Johannesburg.

I had to step out. I had to move beyond this known today.

I feel relieved to make a start of it.

on the Journey, not any particular Destination.

feeling differences. day 2.

Feeling differences between lust, aliveness, and personal desire.

I have no personal desire for Rahasya. No romantic longings.

The genital work is not "sexual" per say. It is accessing the body with those zones, but not for the usual pleasure paradigm.

weird. Yet I was able to tap into Eros, some wild in the moment expression.

I have a hungry Yoni. She desires to feel that sensation of presence. She is also good at holding onto things.

the Protection/Holding onto things is pretty stellar. 3rd chakra. It is not going to be ok, so I have to hold on tight energy. Or it is really good, and I am not going to have it so good again...hold on tight... funny that it is both ends of the feeling.

A number of vistas today.

Yes, more please. Is often the sparkle of the eye (as he looks a bit wrung out) grin.
more tangible physical arising (biting, strength play...muscle activation) yes, that is translatable to my biggest sexual fantasies. (but it was not in that frame. WEIRD)

Inner child. Shame: taking in *their* shame about sexuality, young. Defining community by their external (at least) relationship to sexual shame.

feeling into Vulnerability, Eros and release.

Gods.

Romance is my gateway drug. It facilitates me to relax and release into allowing (within myself if not with the beloved Other).

All the many beloveds, and I fall in love with that sweetness. The rawness of feeling myself.

My first day of healing work...

longing for more intensity. such possibility and that is where it is? really? My addictive nature roots are showing. Higher threshold for experiential release. a bit of a let down really. yes, high expectations of the space, and the realms which have been felt previous.

Not feeling the Eros fire of *lust*, *magnetic attraction*, *spark*...
the ignition of juiciness. the dripping space of wanton abandon.

FUCK. Yes, the forms are present.

Aesthetic:
forms of beauty. what we perceive as beautiful ways of being? (He talked about it for the 3rd chakra)

humm...

Eye...

Holy Gods...

A scary morning encounter with the unknown.

I was doing a little helping around the land, and a unseen metal wire was hanging in a terrible place. I ran into it with my Face, so very close to my eye. A scratch just below.

My first morning, and I skewer myself! Gods.

The trauma response did not kick in till after I had assessed the situation, and taken care of myself.

Thank you Spirit, I am ok.

The fears that race thru the mind afterwards...
geeze.

I AM OK. I am ok. I am ok.

landing in South Africa

first noticing:
Bars on windows...
wow.

locking others who might do harm out (locking selves in?)
A cultural reality of crime, and the awareness of the possibility.

a Metallic smell the night I landed. I am told it is pollution.


wow.

the sweet elderly couple...50 years!
celebrating their 50 year wedding anniversary. They were amazingly affectionate, and at ease. May I create that in my relationships.


Lots of Hearts along the Journey here.