dating my Denial

Denial...

the defense mechanism which seeks to protect ourselves from some painful, or unpleasant reality of the psyche.

An inquiry of Heart, Psyche and Soul...

How is it we have danced this way dear Kris?

Denial of the poor circumstances which I have chosen for my Romantic and Sexual partners. Denial of choosing emotionally unavailable partners. Denial of choosing sexually, reciprocally, unavailable partners.

Denial of relationships which I want so badly to be something other than what the other person thinks they are...denial of there being a difference in what we feel of the relationship.

Denial of how important sexuality is to me, and denial of sexual expression. Repression. Caged off parts of the self (in desperate attempts to manage the pain of not having them in my Life). I have been celibate more in the past 5 years than I have been happily expressed. Celibate waiting to experience, heart centered, emotionally available cock in a romantic, sexual relationship.

Denial of how different my Life looks in my Dreams, and what it physically shows up as.

Denial of how much of this I contribute to with my choices.

Denial of how I continue to show up for a unavailable person.

...

I feel haunted by the space which denial creates in my Life. There are so many apparitions of my desires, unfleshed.

I feel chained to the past (pain and unhealed wounds) which seems to continue to create in my present.

Frustration with creating the same choices over and over again, the patterns are deep and challenging.

I watch myself, ever hopeful...yet not *fully* met. Making due on the scraps of my own desires.
inconsistent reinforcement.

I am ashamed of the pain, all this brings into my Life.




...
Questions to consider:

What have been I trying to avoid?

What do I fear?

What are the consequences of not taking action? (short term, long term)

What are my beliefs about the situation?

...

Do I fully meet myself?
How do I meet myself fully?

Do I fully meet Life?
How do I meet life fully?


Full spectrum answers. There is more to this than 1) being in Denial 2)Not being in Denial. The shades of how I HAVE been making progress, one inquiry at a time.

Love Always.